The Big Freeze

Have you ever been so angry with someone that you couldn’t speak to them? Maybe you didn’t get your way in a certain situation. Perhaps someone has treated you that way in the past? We “freeze out” people who displease us in several obvious ways. We ignore their pings, tweets, texts, emails and multiple calls. We stonewall them when they are standing right in front of us trying to have a conversation or sit next to them in stony silence refusing to talk. And we all know couples who make a great show of affection in public and wage a wordless war behind closed doors.

It is quite possible the silent treatment will work in the short term. We are gregarious creatures who possess an actual physical need for attention and connection with others. So, when you angrily decide to “teach someone a lesson” by withdrawing your love, they will be quite vigorous in their attempts to regain your affection. Children will scramble to figure out what they did to make Mom so angry and desperately try to get back in her good graces. Spouses and partners will try to talk it out, bring gifts, and do anything to placate you. Why?  Because it really hurts when someone you love shuts you out and acts like you don’t exist.  Unfortunately, that is exactly why we do it; to gain power over someone we believe has wronged us. But here’s an important question; does it improve your relationship or damage it further?

You may not realize that the “silent treatment” is a form of abusive bullying. And it’s cruel. It is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that is just as harmful as striking out physically. It is a mystery why so many people abhor violence yet think nothing of emotionally shutting out coworkers, friends and family. They “punish” a boyfriend, sibling or wife for not “caring” about them while breaking their loved ones’ hearts through rejection.

When people shut us out, we learn to shut down instead of deepening our dialogue. We learn not to care, not to consider another point of view and learn something about ourselves.  If we wonder where today’s apathy comes from, we can point in part to our denial of others’ feelings and a refusal to admit our responsibility for the impact of our actions on their psyches.

While freezing out your partner can create a temporary change in their behavior, it also erodes their love for you. Relationships are about connection and open communication. Instead of changing behavior for the better, the silent treatment teaches people in our lives that we don’t really love them. It makes all of us become emptier inside. Then alienation, superficial commitment, and empty promises become the shaky foundation of our relationships. And we wonder why they fall apart.

So, the next time you are tempted to use shut down or shut someone out, consider the very real damage it does to them and your relationship with them.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor
http://www.themindfuldater.com/ 

Assertiveness and Relationship Happiness

Knowing your boundaries and how to express them appropriately is one of the keys to relationship harmony. Saying “no” is important to making sure that your “yes” is genuine and grounded in reality. At some point, there is going to be a conflict and knowing how to work through it gracefully gives you the best chance at long term happiness.

You have to know yourself well enough to understand what you don’t want in a relationship. We often think we are being easy to get along with or loving when we “let it go.” Basically, we are pretending things are okay when they’re not and that is lying and emotionally withholding. Have you noticed how that eventually catches up to you, only now it is worse?

So, that is one the keys to relationship success; getting things clear first. Let’s say you detest being late and your date is always “running behind”. Withholding your frustrations sets up the relationship, especially for yourself, for unhappiness. It also doesn’t give the other person an opportunity to change their behavior. Eventually you are probably going to find reasons to leave or blow up over something trivial.

If you’re complaining instead of speaking up, it’s time to clear the air.

That kind of passive aggressive behavior happens when we let things build up and take things personally. It is important to remember that people don’t do things “to” you; they do what they do. It’s your responsibility to let them know what they are doing is not working for you.

On the other hand, if you clearly and appropriately set a boundary and nothing changes, that is information to take note of. It is possible your friend or partner may not be familiar with the idea of boundaries. Still, repeated offences indicate this person does not want to change or can’t change. After all, they get to decide their own priorities and this may be an area they don’t think is important. Now you have to make a decision about whether or not to continue participating in this relationship, whether it is a romance, a friendship or a business associate.

In terms of romance, if you have not identified your relationship deal breakers and are not clear about your boundaries, you could take a wrong turn at this juncture. This is the time to identify anything that will not work for you long term. Face the issue before you are committed for life. If you are already committed, then it is possible to work with an experienced marriage and relationship counselor to address areas of conflict and reestablish boundaries.

All the hard stuff aside, anyone can learn to be assertive. If it is typical behavior for you to avoid conflict it might feel rude or like you are making a big deal out of nothing. Try practicing setting small boundaries, like telling a friend or co-workers you don’t eat BBQ and want to go somewhere else for lunch. There is less at stake which equals less pressure on you. This is a great way to practice keeping centered in your own preferences and learn to negotiate socially with others.

Assertiveness means telling the truth about how you really feel and what you really want. It is also a two-way street, meaning that you get to learn how to hear feedback from others and decide which requests you can honor without compromising your values or self-worth.

The good news is that once you master setting boundaries, you are on your way to open and honest communication, one of the cornerstones to healthy relationships that last.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor
http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

Why Are Men So Stupid in Sitcoms?

Have you noticed that many of the roles men are playing in sitcoms make them look stupid by always kowtowing to a competent female lead? It’s like they’ve traded places with the women from the 50’s. Instead of grown women being portrayed like silly little girls batting their eyelashes at their big strong husbands, now the pendulum has swung to grown men acting like silly little boys who can’t think straight or stay out of trouble.

Wasn’t it easier when everyone knew their role and their place? Men knew they were supposed to be the strong ones who pursued women. Women knew to be attractive, quietly rule their domestic kingdom and never appear aggressive or overtly sexual. Men were to be all-knowing, unbreakable, the real thinkers and the doers with a strong arm around the “little woman” they were charged with taking care of, but not to show emotion or deep connection.

Today the boundaries of gender roles have relaxed and expanded. While women feel free to pursue and men are free to receive their attention, there is still a huge gray area of unidentified gender roles. Women compete in the workplace and are finding their inner strength and drive. Men are staying home to be dads, learning to value their softer side and sharing more of the financial burden. Still, we’re all a little confused about how we’re supposed to act in all these situations. Not like “them” but not sure who “us” is.

Dating is another area where gender role exploration is playing out. The rule book has been burned and it’s a new world out there. A man or a woman has equal say in initiating a date and paying for a date. People are free to make up the role and rules about what they want as they go along. Many people want the traditional approach yet many others want equal partnerships.

This shift in gender roles, or the lack thereof, creates an opportunity for all of us to become “choosers.” Instead of waiting to be chosen, sitting on the sidelines or passively letting others decide if we’re worthy, we have the freedom to bust the mold and take charge of our experiences.

First, if we want to be a “chooser” we must learn to adopt a mindset of abundance and empowered living. Choosers know what they want, what will not work for them in a relationship and believe there are plenty of viable partners available.

This mindset allows us to be confident and weed out dating candidates quickly. Because chooser are used to sorting through the crowd, they realize that rejection is not an indicator of self-worth. They understand that the other person is also a chooser and feels they are not a good match. Choosers accept rejection without taking it personally or allowing it to impact their self-esteem.

Choosers take risks and are initiators on their own behalf. They don’t wait to be found or for “destiny” to make things happen. They are creative, assertive and goal-oriented people who can roll with it. And choosers aren’t necessarily born choosers. Many, many people have started out playing a more passive role and then decided it wasn’t worth the pain. They decided to learn how to develop their self-esteem and to keep searching until they found a good match for them.

The Mindful Dater Program is here to help you become a chooser and get the love you’ve always dreamed of having. http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor

4 Reasons Why Your Not Finding "The One"

When your sweetie says she loves you, do believe her? When he says he’ll never leave, do you secretly wonder? Now that you’ve been together for a bit and have begun to settle in, does it seem like your lover is losing interest?

Are you hanging on every word, analyzing every facial expression? Wondering where they’re really going? Are you falling into a routine relationship or are the two of you just becoming comfortable? Do they really want you or are they just avoiding having to start over? How do you know if this is true or if it’s you?

Okay. It’s time for a reality check. The hard truth is that no one can prove they love you. No matter how often they say it, no matter how glamorous the ring, how fancy the dinners or fabulous the vacations, no one can PROVE it to you. You could be doing the wild thing six times a day and still not know if they really love you – unless you love yourself.

If you love yourself, you will believe that other people can love you. It’s that simple. And you will be able to recognize when someone else doesn’t love and appreciate you. You won’t have to demand respect or consideration because you will be radiating it in your being.

Signs You’re Not In Love With You

Always pushing for security and reassurance
If you are always pushing for the next step like
moving in, marriage or buying a home, you’re probably looking for reassurance that you’re loved. Trying too hard to please your beloved and taking on all the responsibility for the happiness in the relationship are signs you don’t love yourself. Relationships should progress naturally to the next level without either party making demands. Happiness between couples should be “evenly yoked,” not reliant upon everything you – or your partner – do.

I Can’t Find Anyone Good
Are you always searching and never finding anyone who is “right”? High standards are good but lofty romantic ideals can sabotage your chances of actually finding a suitable mate. And, if you do become involved, you will likely become unhappy and quickly find something wrong with your current love or spouse.

I’m Too Busy for Love
Filling every second of your days and nights with work, vacation or hobbies is a sure way to avoid feelings that come from a lack of self-love. See how great I am? I’m busy with this project and my charity work and the gym and this weekend we’re going here and next weekend we’re going there. Learning to be alone and enjoy your own company is a great foundation for finding your right mate.

Always into the next “thing” that will “heal” you
Self-improvement is a noble and worthy endeavor. If you are never satisfied, however, it might be time to slow down and reflect on your life. Do you ever have “enough”? Do you buy a new car as soon as you pay off the old one? Are you constantly shopping for clothes and the latest gadgets? Are you always on a new fad diet? Are you constantly in some new phase that is going to make your life everything it is supposed to be? Ultimately, there should be days of feeling completely satisfied with whom you are and where your life is, with or without a mate. If you don’t have that now, you are unlikely to be happy with anyone else for long.

In conclusion, it’s important to realize that self-love is the foundation of your ideal relationship. When you love yourself, you can give love to others without keeping track of what they’re doing for you. And you will naturally recognize when someone truly does not appreciate you and isn’t right for you.

Allow me to be of assistance in helping you find the love for YOURSELF! For more information about my fun and dynamic singles program visit http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed relationship Counselor

Are You Caught In A Mini-Marriage?

The mini-marriage results from acting committed and being exclusive before you are ready for a committed relationship, or doing so with someone whom you don’t consider a likely long-term partner choice. This is the one night stand that never left!

A mini-marriage puts you on a collision course towards unhappiness. Instead of leading to the long-term joy you are hoping for, mini-marriages actually interfere with your ability to build the life you really want. They are a distraction that impedes your personal growth until you are ready for the relationship you really want and attract the partner you really want.

If you don’t learn how to make different choices, you can invest months – or, sadly, years “working on” a relationship that cannot be fulfilling or even permanent. Because let’s face it; once you’re in a mini-marriage, it can be difficult and quite painful to get out.

When the not-so-committed party or parties ultimately find the courage to come clean, it causes heartache, angst and often anger for all the time wasted. Often affairs are a reason to leave a mini-marriage. Worse are those who stayed with Mr. or Ms. “Right Now” as a placeholder, knowing full well their dating partner is not “the one” while they secretly hoped their “soul mate” would appear.

Entering a mini-marriage is the equivalent of accepting a new job offer despite the red flags that came up during the interview; crossing your fingers and hoping it will magically work out. After all, you need a job and this is the one that showed up today. Let me ask you, have you ever known this approach to result in a happy situation?

We all know someone who’s gotten involved too soon or continually struggled in a relationship, right? Perhaps we’ve found ourselves in this situation and wondered how it happened.
So how do we get stuck in a “go-nowhere” relationship in the first place? What makes otherwise intelligent, responsible adults sleepwalk into these situations?

Mini-marriages are typically driven by unconsciousness needs and fears:

• Need for companionship
• Fear of being alone
• Belief it is impossible to have what you really want
• Lack of awareness about your readiness for commitment
• Don’t know how to get your social and relationship needs met effectively

To successfully avoid the “mini-marriage” style of dating and mating you must decide whether or not are you truly ready for a committed relationship. While it is reasonable to desire the benefits of a committed relationship (security, companionship, sex), it is important to be ready for a commitment in all areas of your life, and to be in a position of “choice” rather than “need” in order to have a successful life partnership.

If you are not ready for a committed relationship due to timing (e.g. recovering from divorce), health (physical/mental/emotional), finances, lifestyle, or other considerations, it is best to date a variety of people on a non-exclusive basis and have fun, learning more about yourself and relationships in the process. Become a “successful single” is the best way to prepare for the life and relationship you really want.

The Mindful Dater 10-week program is designed specifically to help you identify your own unique relationship criteria, empowering you to make the choices that lead to long-term relationship success and happy unions.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor

For more information about my program visit http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

Should we live together first? Uh no!

Many people believe co-habitation is the next logical step in establishing a long-term commitment or marriage. Surprisingly, the latest statistics show that this is not the case. It turns out live-in relationships have an 80% failure rate versus a national average divorce rate of 50%.

There is a world of difference between the mindset of a committed relationship and what I call a pre-committed relationship or “mini-marriage.” In a “mini-marriage” you are trying to decide if this is the right relationship for you and you think agreeing to live together proves you are both committed to making things work. This is a common fallacy that is hurting couples who might otherwise have the potential to make it long-term.

Contrary to popular thinking, living together does not help a pre-committed relationship become a successful long-term love. In fact, the pressure of living together before both parties are fully committed can actually prevent a partnership from evolving into a long-term commitment. And if this person isn’t right for you, living together only makes it that much harder to make the decision to let go and move on.

When you are committed there are no back doors, no exits; you know you are in this for the long haul. You have thoughtfully considered the relationship over time and know this individual meets all your key relationship criteria hands down. There are no issues to “work out” or “work on”. You are prepared to face obstacles and overcome them together. You know that you and your partner are “on the same page” in all the ways that matter to both of you.

The best way to succeed in finding your ideal partner is to learn how to sort, screen and test prospective partners before committing to them. The Mindful Dating program is designed to do just that: teach you how to avoid the heartache of the popular “mini-marriage” model of dating and find love that lasts a lifetime.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor

For more information about my 10 week Mindful Dater Program:
http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/
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If it feels good, is it love?

Finally! You’ve met someone you are attracted to and it seems you are in love!! You feel dizzy, can’t get him or her out of your head and you can’t wait until the next time you see each other. Life is more beautiful and there’s a new spring in your step. That’s love, right?

But is it? Do you know how many chemicals are flooding your brain and body, conspiring to make you feel as if you’re “in love”? We routinely mistake attraction, chemistry, good sex, having fun, infatuation, feeling attached and any romantic or sexual feeling for love.

Below is a list of the bio-chemical stages we go through on our way to love:

Stage One – Lust

This is fun, exciting, stimulating. No matter what you think is happening, at this stage you are largely being driven by sex hormones, plus testosterone and estrogen.

Stage Two – Attraction

Scientists believe three main neurotransmitters contribute to feelings of attraction: Adrenaline, Dopamine and Serotonin.Adrenaline and Cortisol cause the nervous sweating, heart palpitations and dry mouth caused by seeing your love interest. Dopamine triggers intense rush of pleasure – we all know about those! And, Serotonin levels in new lovers are equivalent to the low serotonin levels in obsessive-compulsive disorder patients, explaining why you “can’t get him out of mind.” Still think this is love?
Stage Three – Attachment

Now for the ugly truth about feeling “connected” to your new guy or gal. Scientists have found there are two major hormones involved in creating feelings of attachment and longing: Oxytocin and Vasopressin. Oxyocin is released by both men and women during orgasm. This “cuddle hormone” deepens the feeling of attachment, making couples feel closer to one another after they have sex.

Vasopressin is also released after sex with the purpose of forming stable pair-bonds. In tests with animals, suppressing the effect Vasopressin resulted in a deterioration of bonding with mated pairs, such as failing to protect their mate from new suitors.

With all of these biological influences on our psyches, it’s no wonder we have trouble making good decisions about whether or not the person we are so attracted to is a good long-term match for us. Doubts or reservations don’t feel good. When the “rush” of good feelings returns, we convince ourselves we were wrong to doubt, but were we? This confusion often leads to pre-mature matches or what I call “mini-marriages” in which couples live together in order to confirm whether or not they are life mates.

So what’s the bottom line? How does this information help? How can we make sure it’s love – and make it last?

As much as we feel it’s “love,” we are deeply influenced by the intensity of these naturally produced chemicals. In order for relationships to survive real life challenges, couples need to rely on more than chemistry and attraction. The Mindful Dater is designed to do just that; help you sift through the fog of emotions to identify a truly sustainable relationship. For more articles and to check out this proven program visit www.theMindfulDater.com

LaDonna S. Kumar

Licensed Relationship Counselor