Long-Term Simmer or White Hot Sizzle?

Love versus Infatuation

You’ve been searching for love for months or perhaps years. You’ve tried online dating, blind dates, group activities, new “friends” and perhaps even endured a significant dry spell, and now it’s finally happened. You’ve found The One; that amazing individual who lights up your life, commandeers your thoughts and makes your limbs all quivery. Suddenly you don’t care if you ever eat or sleep again and the world is a brighter place to be.

In the back of your mind, there is this voice reminding you of all the things that went wrong in past relationships, to proceed with caution. Rationally, you know this phase can’t last forever but OMG does it feel incredible when you’re with him or her!  The drive to think objectively can be squashed down when we’re in the beginning stages of a crush or new relationship.

Becoming an Item

An important rite of passion for any couple is when you and your new love tell parents, family and friends about your relationship. If you’ve been saying those three special words and your relationships is still undercover, ask why.  What is making you or your new love reluctant to declare your relationship to the world? This is red flag could be indicating you’re not all that into them or they into you.

Pay close attention to your support system’s reaction when your beloved is introduced. Are friends sharing in your joy or making polite overtures you want to hear? If they express doubts about this new match, do you secretly fear they’re right?

Notice if you feel a “yes, but” inside when they say what a great guy or gal you’re with and inexplicably start pointing out his or her flaws. Is this someone you want to commit to forever or a white hot fling? How do you know?

The bio-chemicals released during courtship are quite intoxicating, making it difficult to think objectively about a relationship. Most of us would opt to stay in this state of heightened bliss rather than take a brutally honest look at the person we’re in bed with. Why? Well, it’s often because we’re tired of being alone. We want relief from the social pressure to be paired up and the loss of status when we’re not. If he or she is The One, then we would finally be free of this stigma. And, let’s face it, life paired and shared is easier than handling the ups and downs of life alone.

Still, do your best not to run from these important questions and instead aim to bravely face the hard truths. When you’re free from the dreamy haze of infatuation, it’s easy to see where things went wrong in past relationships. What we know now, and couldn’t see then, is that we failed to find lasting love because we weren’t honest enough and brave enough at this critical phase. Either we had unrealistic expectations about love or we were in denial about what was never going to work. Instead, we chose to “work on” the relationship instead of asking the hard questions and dealing with the answers.

This is the time to identify what is real and true about this person and your relationship.  It’s also the time we are most tempted to lie to ourselves for the sake of being part of a couple. Every relationship has its merits and we make commitments for multiple reasons. The real question is whether or not there is enough substance here to warrant a long-term, lasting commitment.

When we think of lasting love, many of us form an idyllic mental picture.  We think of constant sexual sizzle combined with a perfect meeting of minds and hearts. And this is exactly what trips us up. Fact is, real love, the kind that lasts, is always changing. It evolves in response to the changes life events create within us and between us.  It is infatuation that soars through blue skies and climbs every mountain to reach our hearts’ every desire.

True love grows from a genuine friendship and can burst into full bloom whether or not infatuation ever developed. Real love brings out the best in us and the best in our partner. Learning and growing together over months and years, we increasingly share more secrets and trust the other to navigate cooperatively through life challenges.

Conversely, a relationship that brings out the worst in one or both partners signals they are caught up in infatuation rather than in love. Instead of forging a stronger bond, infatuation incinerates the relationship with a fireball of anger and blame.  Falling from the heights of this intensity, our “love” lies shattered on the hard rocks of reality. Our head clears and we feel like we don’t love this person and/or they don’t love us. We feel no sense of loyalty or commitment towards them or coming from them. “Whatever” is a classic example of infatuation’s attitude when this harsh reality sets in. Now we’re wondering whatever made us fall for them. Or, even worse, we replay the good times over and over in our mind, trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Unfortunately, those good times were a romantic fantasy that wasn’t built to last.

So, which are you – in love or infatuated?  A few simple questions can help you know: are you genuinely happy on a daily basis? Do you feel loved and valued by your beloved? Do they inspire you to be a better person? Have they been open with their family and friends about their devotion to you? Do you feel good about your life and where it’s headed? Is your relationship the icing on the cake, meaning that your life was already great and now it’s just that much better?  Are the two of you making plans about the future? Do those plans work for both of you or is there an ongoing conflict about your next steps?

An important clue is whether or not you feel comfortable bringing this person into all areas of your life or if you tend to only let them share parts of it. An example would be when you always want to go out every weekend but don’t want your girl to watch you play baseball with the guys.  Notice whether you have the same interests or only have a mutual attraction in common. Beware of pretending to like an activity like watching sports or antique hunting because your partner does.

OR THIS ONE:

Are you comfortable with this person in all areas of your life or do they share only parts of it?  Do your dates and weekends revolve around the same activities and people? A good test is to mix it up and experience your relationship in different situations, with different groups of people. Try something new to both of you instead of curling up with a movie or hitting the bars (again). Take note of how you and your love respond. Does he or she like your friends? Do you like theirs?  Failure to blend now could mean an oil and water experience down the road.

Do you have shared core values? What about emotional intimacy? Are you free to be emotionally naked or are you still trying to look your best and keep your company manners on, even several months in?

Shared values are central to a good match. Initiate discussions that reveal how you and your partner each thinks about important topics like marriage, children, careers, spirituality and life purpose. Ask yourself if you feel free to be emotionally open and vulnerable or you are still rather formal – still trying to always look yours best, etc.

Do you avoid certain conversations with your beloved because you’re afraid of what their answers might mean for your relationship? If everything about them remained exactly as it is today, would you want to spend your life with this person? For real? Or do you see them as a diamond in the rough you can coach into being the kind of person you really want?

When love is the real thing, your thinking is based in reality. There is no fall to earth. You feel grounded; you clearly see who your beloved is and you like them that way. You feel  love, respect, and trust. You feel you can count on them and you can live indefinitely with the parts of them that are not a perfect fit. Your core values are in alignment with each other and conflicts are resolved quickly. You freely give more than you receive. Compromise doesn’t take away your freedom. You and your beloved operate together in a private life that is deeper than your public life.  And when the obstacles come, you are united from a mutual commitment to each others’ happiness.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor

Why Are Men So Stupid in Sitcoms?

Have you noticed that many of the roles men are playing in sitcoms make them look stupid by always kowtowing to a competent female lead? It’s like they’ve traded places with the women from the 50’s. Instead of grown women being portrayed like silly little girls batting their eyelashes at their big strong husbands, now the pendulum has swung to grown men acting like silly little boys who can’t think straight or stay out of trouble.

Wasn’t it easier when everyone knew their role and their place? Men knew they were supposed to be the strong ones who pursued women. Women knew to be attractive, quietly rule their domestic kingdom and never appear aggressive or overtly sexual. Men were to be all-knowing, unbreakable, the real thinkers and the doers with a strong arm around the “little woman” they were charged with taking care of, but not to show emotion or deep connection.

Today the boundaries of gender roles have relaxed and expanded. While women feel free to pursue and men are free to receive their attention, there is still a huge gray area of unidentified gender roles. Women compete in the workplace and are finding their inner strength and drive. Men are staying home to be dads, learning to value their softer side and sharing more of the financial burden. Still, we’re all a little confused about how we’re supposed to act in all these situations. Not like “them” but not sure who “us” is.

Dating is another area where gender role exploration is playing out. The rule book has been burned and it’s a new world out there. A man or a woman has equal say in initiating a date and paying for a date. People are free to make up the role and rules about what they want as they go along. Many people want the traditional approach yet many others want equal partnerships.

This shift in gender roles, or the lack thereof, creates an opportunity for all of us to become “choosers.” Instead of waiting to be chosen, sitting on the sidelines or passively letting others decide if we’re worthy, we have the freedom to bust the mold and take charge of our experiences.

First, if we want to be a “chooser” we must learn to adopt a mindset of abundance and empowered living. Choosers know what they want, what will not work for them in a relationship and believe there are plenty of viable partners available.

This mindset allows us to be confident and weed out dating candidates quickly. Because chooser are used to sorting through the crowd, they realize that rejection is not an indicator of self-worth. They understand that the other person is also a chooser and feels they are not a good match. Choosers accept rejection without taking it personally or allowing it to impact their self-esteem.

Choosers take risks and are initiators on their own behalf. They don’t wait to be found or for “destiny” to make things happen. They are creative, assertive and goal-oriented people who can roll with it. And choosers aren’t necessarily born choosers. Many, many people have started out playing a more passive role and then decided it wasn’t worth the pain. They decided to learn how to develop their self-esteem and to keep searching until they found a good match for them.

The Mindful Dater Program is here to help you become a chooser and get the love you’ve always dreamed of having. http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor