Marriage Myth: Honest Communication Heals All

When couples come to see me, a significant number say they want “to communicate better.” When I discover there is no obvious issue with their communication, I know we are headed for troubled waters. Why? Because there is an underlying reason this couple has avoided going deeper in their dialogue with one another.

There are certain truths we manage every day by not talking about them.  We see our partners’ limitations and overlook them. We keep disappointments and certain hurts to ourselves to protect the continuity of the relationship and the happiness of our partner. As part of the package, we decide to sacrifice our wants for the greater good of our life together in hopes it will make things better. The unspoken truths sit there below the surface, creating distance between us.

Life itself brings disappointments we can’t always anticipate such as, a job loss, a death in the family, or a spouse’s transfer to another city can bring an unforeseeable impact. Additionally, our life experiences change us. Meaning that the person we began with has grown or changed and now seems as if not they are someone completely different. We are often surprised by what we learn about our beloved and may not know how to reconcile this new information with what we want in a partner.

Couples instinctively steer away from speaking truths because once they are out in the open we have no control over our partner’s reaction or the impact it will have on the relationship. The truth has a way of backfiring if we are not prepared to handle it.

This is why many couples are surprised when they come to counseling with a sincere desire for open communication and their relationships blow up. As long as everyone keeps to the surface, the hidden conflicts are avoided. But what happens when the wife says she doesn’t like how it is in bedroom these days or the husband shares that he didn’t sign up to take care of a serious illness and resents it? In telling the truth about our hurts and disappointments, we put everything at risk.

It’s important to understand that more open communication does not necessarily translate into an improved relationship. Unless you already have a solid foundation of trust and a history of successfully resolving conflict, it is wise to proceed with caution. If you step into a deeper more honest dialogue with your partner after years if it not being so, you risk unearthing an obstacle you cannot overcome. Sometimes deeper awareness means discovering that you will not be able to reconcile what you need with who you are married to. There is no way of knowing until you take this step.

This is why I caution couples to seek counseling early on, before their relationship shipwrecks on the shore. With the right knowledge and guidance, many of the pitfalls of facing hidden conflicts can be avoided. While it is possible that you may discover seemingly irreconcilable differences, there is also the possibility that you will discover your connection is strengthen and your passion is re-ignited which allows your relationship to grow rather than be destroyed.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor
 http://www.themindfuldater.com/