The Big Freeze

Have you ever been so angry with someone that you couldn’t speak to them? Maybe you didn’t get your way in a certain situation. Perhaps someone has treated you that way in the past? We “freeze out” people who displease us in several obvious ways. We ignore their pings, tweets, texts, emails and multiple calls. We stonewall them when they are standing right in front of us trying to have a conversation or sit next to them in stony silence refusing to talk. And we all know couples who make a great show of affection in public and wage a wordless war behind closed doors.

It is quite possible the silent treatment will work in the short term. We are gregarious creatures who possess an actual physical need for attention and connection with others. So, when you angrily decide to “teach someone a lesson” by withdrawing your love, they will be quite vigorous in their attempts to regain your affection. Children will scramble to figure out what they did to make Mom so angry and desperately try to get back in her good graces. Spouses and partners will try to talk it out, bring gifts, and do anything to placate you. Why?  Because it really hurts when someone you love shuts you out and acts like you don’t exist.  Unfortunately, that is exactly why we do it; to gain power over someone we believe has wronged us. But here’s an important question; does it improve your relationship or damage it further?

You may not realize that the “silent treatment” is a form of abusive bullying. And it’s cruel. It is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that is just as harmful as striking out physically. It is a mystery why so many people abhor violence yet think nothing of emotionally shutting out coworkers, friends and family. They “punish” a boyfriend, sibling or wife for not “caring” about them while breaking their loved ones’ hearts through rejection.

When people shut us out, we learn to shut down instead of deepening our dialogue. We learn not to care, not to consider another point of view and learn something about ourselves.  If we wonder where today’s apathy comes from, we can point in part to our denial of others’ feelings and a refusal to admit our responsibility for the impact of our actions on their psyches.

While freezing out your partner can create a temporary change in their behavior, it also erodes their love for you. Relationships are about connection and open communication. Instead of changing behavior for the better, the silent treatment teaches people in our lives that we don’t really love them. It makes all of us become emptier inside. Then alienation, superficial commitment, and empty promises become the shaky foundation of our relationships. And we wonder why they fall apart.

So, the next time you are tempted to use shut down or shut someone out, consider the very real damage it does to them and your relationship with them.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor
http://www.themindfuldater.com/