Assertiveness and Relationship Happiness

Knowing your boundaries and how to express them appropriately is one of the keys to relationship harmony. Saying “no” is important to making sure that your “yes” is genuine and grounded in reality. At some point, there is going to be a conflict and knowing how to work through it gracefully gives you the best chance at long term happiness.

You have to know yourself well enough to understand what you don’t want in a relationship. We often think we are being easy to get along with or loving when we “let it go.” Basically, we are pretending things are okay when they’re not and that is lying and emotionally withholding. Have you noticed how that eventually catches up to you, only now it is worse?

So, that is one the keys to relationship success; getting things clear first. Let’s say you detest being late and your date is always “running behind”. Withholding your frustrations sets up the relationship, especially for yourself, for unhappiness. It also doesn’t give the other person an opportunity to change their behavior. Eventually you are probably going to find reasons to leave or blow up over something trivial.

If you’re complaining instead of speaking up, it’s time to clear the air.

That kind of passive aggressive behavior happens when we let things build up and take things personally. It is important to remember that people don’t do things “to” you; they do what they do. It’s your responsibility to let them know what they are doing is not working for you.

On the other hand, if you clearly and appropriately set a boundary and nothing changes, that is information to take note of. It is possible your friend or partner may not be familiar with the idea of boundaries. Still, repeated offences indicate this person does not want to change or can’t change. After all, they get to decide their own priorities and this may be an area they don’t think is important. Now you have to make a decision about whether or not to continue participating in this relationship, whether it is a romance, a friendship or a business associate.

In terms of romance, if you have not identified your relationship deal breakers and are not clear about your boundaries, you could take a wrong turn at this juncture. This is the time to identify anything that will not work for you long term. Face the issue before you are committed for life. If you are already committed, then it is possible to work with an experienced marriage and relationship counselor to address areas of conflict and reestablish boundaries.

All the hard stuff aside, anyone can learn to be assertive. If it is typical behavior for you to avoid conflict it might feel rude or like you are making a big deal out of nothing. Try practicing setting small boundaries, like telling a friend or co-workers you don’t eat BBQ and want to go somewhere else for lunch. There is less at stake which equals less pressure on you. This is a great way to practice keeping centered in your own preferences and learn to negotiate socially with others.

Assertiveness means telling the truth about how you really feel and what you really want. It is also a two-way street, meaning that you get to learn how to hear feedback from others and decide which requests you can honor without compromising your values or self-worth.

The good news is that once you master setting boundaries, you are on your way to open and honest communication, one of the cornerstones to healthy relationships that last.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor
http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/