Are You Caught In A Mini-Marriage?

The mini-marriage results from acting committed and being exclusive before you are ready for a committed relationship, or doing so with someone whom you don’t consider a likely long-term partner choice. This is the one night stand that never left!

A mini-marriage puts you on a collision course towards unhappiness. Instead of leading to the long-term joy you are hoping for, mini-marriages actually interfere with your ability to build the life you really want. They are a distraction that impedes your personal growth until you are ready for the relationship you really want and attract the partner you really want.

If you don’t learn how to make different choices, you can invest months – or, sadly, years “working on” a relationship that cannot be fulfilling or even permanent. Because let’s face it; once you’re in a mini-marriage, it can be difficult and quite painful to get out.

When the not-so-committed party or parties ultimately find the courage to come clean, it causes heartache, angst and often anger for all the time wasted. Often affairs are a reason to leave a mini-marriage. Worse are those who stayed with Mr. or Ms. “Right Now” as a placeholder, knowing full well their dating partner is not “the one” while they secretly hoped their “soul mate” would appear.

Entering a mini-marriage is the equivalent of accepting a new job offer despite the red flags that came up during the interview; crossing your fingers and hoping it will magically work out. After all, you need a job and this is the one that showed up today. Let me ask you, have you ever known this approach to result in a happy situation?

We all know someone who’s gotten involved too soon or continually struggled in a relationship, right? Perhaps we’ve found ourselves in this situation and wondered how it happened.
So how do we get stuck in a “go-nowhere” relationship in the first place? What makes otherwise intelligent, responsible adults sleepwalk into these situations?

Mini-marriages are typically driven by unconsciousness needs and fears:

• Need for companionship
• Fear of being alone
• Belief it is impossible to have what you really want
• Lack of awareness about your readiness for commitment
• Don’t know how to get your social and relationship needs met effectively

To successfully avoid the “mini-marriage” style of dating and mating you must decide whether or not are you truly ready for a committed relationship. While it is reasonable to desire the benefits of a committed relationship (security, companionship, sex), it is important to be ready for a commitment in all areas of your life, and to be in a position of “choice” rather than “need” in order to have a successful life partnership.

If you are not ready for a committed relationship due to timing (e.g. recovering from divorce), health (physical/mental/emotional), finances, lifestyle, or other considerations, it is best to date a variety of people on a non-exclusive basis and have fun, learning more about yourself and relationships in the process. Become a “successful single” is the best way to prepare for the life and relationship you really want.

The Mindful Dater 10-week program is designed specifically to help you identify your own unique relationship criteria, empowering you to make the choices that lead to long-term relationship success and happy unions.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor

For more information about my program visit http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

Should we live together first? Uh no!

Many people believe co-habitation is the next logical step in establishing a long-term commitment or marriage. Surprisingly, the latest statistics show that this is not the case. It turns out live-in relationships have an 80% failure rate versus a national average divorce rate of 50%.

There is a world of difference between the mindset of a committed relationship and what I call a pre-committed relationship or “mini-marriage.” In a “mini-marriage” you are trying to decide if this is the right relationship for you and you think agreeing to live together proves you are both committed to making things work. This is a common fallacy that is hurting couples who might otherwise have the potential to make it long-term.

Contrary to popular thinking, living together does not help a pre-committed relationship become a successful long-term love. In fact, the pressure of living together before both parties are fully committed can actually prevent a partnership from evolving into a long-term commitment. And if this person isn’t right for you, living together only makes it that much harder to make the decision to let go and move on.

When you are committed there are no back doors, no exits; you know you are in this for the long haul. You have thoughtfully considered the relationship over time and know this individual meets all your key relationship criteria hands down. There are no issues to “work out” or “work on”. You are prepared to face obstacles and overcome them together. You know that you and your partner are “on the same page” in all the ways that matter to both of you.

The best way to succeed in finding your ideal partner is to learn how to sort, screen and test prospective partners before committing to them. The Mindful Dating program is designed to do just that: teach you how to avoid the heartache of the popular “mini-marriage” model of dating and find love that lasts a lifetime.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor

For more information about my 10 week Mindful Dater Program:
http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/
Like The Mindful Dater on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/themindfuldater/

If it feels good, is it love?

Finally! You’ve met someone you are attracted to and it seems you are in love!! You feel dizzy, can’t get him or her out of your head and you can’t wait until the next time you see each other. Life is more beautiful and there’s a new spring in your step. That’s love, right?

But is it? Do you know how many chemicals are flooding your brain and body, conspiring to make you feel as if you’re “in love”? We routinely mistake attraction, chemistry, good sex, having fun, infatuation, feeling attached and any romantic or sexual feeling for love.

Below is a list of the bio-chemical stages we go through on our way to love:

Stage One – Lust

This is fun, exciting, stimulating. No matter what you think is happening, at this stage you are largely being driven by sex hormones, plus testosterone and estrogen.

Stage Two – Attraction

Scientists believe three main neurotransmitters contribute to feelings of attraction: Adrenaline, Dopamine and Serotonin.Adrenaline and Cortisol cause the nervous sweating, heart palpitations and dry mouth caused by seeing your love interest. Dopamine triggers intense rush of pleasure – we all know about those! And, Serotonin levels in new lovers are equivalent to the low serotonin levels in obsessive-compulsive disorder patients, explaining why you “can’t get him out of mind.” Still think this is love?
Stage Three – Attachment

Now for the ugly truth about feeling “connected” to your new guy or gal. Scientists have found there are two major hormones involved in creating feelings of attachment and longing: Oxytocin and Vasopressin. Oxyocin is released by both men and women during orgasm. This “cuddle hormone” deepens the feeling of attachment, making couples feel closer to one another after they have sex.

Vasopressin is also released after sex with the purpose of forming stable pair-bonds. In tests with animals, suppressing the effect Vasopressin resulted in a deterioration of bonding with mated pairs, such as failing to protect their mate from new suitors.

With all of these biological influences on our psyches, it’s no wonder we have trouble making good decisions about whether or not the person we are so attracted to is a good long-term match for us. Doubts or reservations don’t feel good. When the “rush” of good feelings returns, we convince ourselves we were wrong to doubt, but were we? This confusion often leads to pre-mature matches or what I call “mini-marriages” in which couples live together in order to confirm whether or not they are life mates.

So what’s the bottom line? How does this information help? How can we make sure it’s love – and make it last?

As much as we feel it’s “love,” we are deeply influenced by the intensity of these naturally produced chemicals. In order for relationships to survive real life challenges, couples need to rely on more than chemistry and attraction. The Mindful Dater is designed to do just that; help you sift through the fog of emotions to identify a truly sustainable relationship. For more articles and to check out this proven program visit www.theMindfulDater.com

LaDonna S. Kumar

Licensed Relationship Counselor