Marriage Myth: Honest Communication Heals All

When couples come to see me, a significant number say they want “to communicate better.” When I discover there is no obvious issue with their communication, I know we are headed for troubled waters. Why? Because there is an underlying reason this couple has avoided going deeper in their dialogue with one another.

There are certain truths we manage every day by not talking about them.  We see our partners’ limitations and overlook them. We keep disappointments and certain hurts to ourselves to protect the continuity of the relationship and the happiness of our partner. As part of the package, we decide to sacrifice our wants for the greater good of our life together in hopes it will make things better. The unspoken truths sit there below the surface, creating distance between us.

Life itself brings disappointments we can’t always anticipate such as, a job loss, a death in the family, or a spouse’s transfer to another city can bring an unforeseeable impact. Additionally, our life experiences change us. Meaning that the person we began with has grown or changed and now seems as if not they are someone completely different. We are often surprised by what we learn about our beloved and may not know how to reconcile this new information with what we want in a partner.

Couples instinctively steer away from speaking truths because once they are out in the open we have no control over our partner’s reaction or the impact it will have on the relationship. The truth has a way of backfiring if we are not prepared to handle it.

This is why many couples are surprised when they come to counseling with a sincere desire for open communication and their relationships blow up. As long as everyone keeps to the surface, the hidden conflicts are avoided. But what happens when the wife says she doesn’t like how it is in bedroom these days or the husband shares that he didn’t sign up to take care of a serious illness and resents it? In telling the truth about our hurts and disappointments, we put everything at risk.

It’s important to understand that more open communication does not necessarily translate into an improved relationship. Unless you already have a solid foundation of trust and a history of successfully resolving conflict, it is wise to proceed with caution. If you step into a deeper more honest dialogue with your partner after years if it not being so, you risk unearthing an obstacle you cannot overcome. Sometimes deeper awareness means discovering that you will not be able to reconcile what you need with who you are married to. There is no way of knowing until you take this step.

This is why I caution couples to seek counseling early on, before their relationship shipwrecks on the shore. With the right knowledge and guidance, many of the pitfalls of facing hidden conflicts can be avoided. While it is possible that you may discover seemingly irreconcilable differences, there is also the possibility that you will discover your connection is strengthen and your passion is re-ignited which allows your relationship to grow rather than be destroyed.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor
 http://www.themindfuldater.com/

Are You Caught In A Mini-Marriage?

The mini-marriage results from acting committed and being exclusive before you are ready for a committed relationship, or doing so with someone whom you don’t consider a likely long-term partner choice. This is the one night stand that never left!

A mini-marriage puts you on a collision course towards unhappiness. Instead of leading to the long-term joy you are hoping for, mini-marriages actually interfere with your ability to build the life you really want. They are a distraction that impedes your personal growth until you are ready for the relationship you really want and attract the partner you really want.

If you don’t learn how to make different choices, you can invest months – or, sadly, years “working on” a relationship that cannot be fulfilling or even permanent. Because let’s face it; once you’re in a mini-marriage, it can be difficult and quite painful to get out.

When the not-so-committed party or parties ultimately find the courage to come clean, it causes heartache, angst and often anger for all the time wasted. Often affairs are a reason to leave a mini-marriage. Worse are those who stayed with Mr. or Ms. “Right Now” as a placeholder, knowing full well their dating partner is not “the one” while they secretly hoped their “soul mate” would appear.

Entering a mini-marriage is the equivalent of accepting a new job offer despite the red flags that came up during the interview; crossing your fingers and hoping it will magically work out. After all, you need a job and this is the one that showed up today. Let me ask you, have you ever known this approach to result in a happy situation?

We all know someone who’s gotten involved too soon or continually struggled in a relationship, right? Perhaps we’ve found ourselves in this situation and wondered how it happened.
So how do we get stuck in a “go-nowhere” relationship in the first place? What makes otherwise intelligent, responsible adults sleepwalk into these situations?

Mini-marriages are typically driven by unconsciousness needs and fears:

• Need for companionship
• Fear of being alone
• Belief it is impossible to have what you really want
• Lack of awareness about your readiness for commitment
• Don’t know how to get your social and relationship needs met effectively

To successfully avoid the “mini-marriage” style of dating and mating you must decide whether or not are you truly ready for a committed relationship. While it is reasonable to desire the benefits of a committed relationship (security, companionship, sex), it is important to be ready for a commitment in all areas of your life, and to be in a position of “choice” rather than “need” in order to have a successful life partnership.

If you are not ready for a committed relationship due to timing (e.g. recovering from divorce), health (physical/mental/emotional), finances, lifestyle, or other considerations, it is best to date a variety of people on a non-exclusive basis and have fun, learning more about yourself and relationships in the process. Become a “successful single” is the best way to prepare for the life and relationship you really want.

The Mindful Dater 10-week program is designed specifically to help you identify your own unique relationship criteria, empowering you to make the choices that lead to long-term relationship success and happy unions.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor

For more information about my program visit http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

Should we live together first? Uh no!

Many people believe co-habitation is the next logical step in establishing a long-term commitment or marriage. Surprisingly, the latest statistics show that this is not the case. It turns out live-in relationships have an 80% failure rate versus a national average divorce rate of 50%.

There is a world of difference between the mindset of a committed relationship and what I call a pre-committed relationship or “mini-marriage.” In a “mini-marriage” you are trying to decide if this is the right relationship for you and you think agreeing to live together proves you are both committed to making things work. This is a common fallacy that is hurting couples who might otherwise have the potential to make it long-term.

Contrary to popular thinking, living together does not help a pre-committed relationship become a successful long-term love. In fact, the pressure of living together before both parties are fully committed can actually prevent a partnership from evolving into a long-term commitment. And if this person isn’t right for you, living together only makes it that much harder to make the decision to let go and move on.

When you are committed there are no back doors, no exits; you know you are in this for the long haul. You have thoughtfully considered the relationship over time and know this individual meets all your key relationship criteria hands down. There are no issues to “work out” or “work on”. You are prepared to face obstacles and overcome them together. You know that you and your partner are “on the same page” in all the ways that matter to both of you.

The best way to succeed in finding your ideal partner is to learn how to sort, screen and test prospective partners before committing to them. The Mindful Dating program is designed to do just that: teach you how to avoid the heartache of the popular “mini-marriage” model of dating and find love that lasts a lifetime.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor

For more information about my 10 week Mindful Dater Program:
http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/
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