Marriage Myth: Honest Communication Heals All

When couples come to see me, a significant number say they want “to communicate better.” When I discover there is no obvious issue with their communication, I know we are headed for troubled waters. Why? Because there is an underlying reason this couple has avoided going deeper in their dialogue with one another.

There are certain truths we manage every day by not talking about them.  We see our partners’ limitations and overlook them. We keep disappointments and certain hurts to ourselves to protect the continuity of the relationship and the happiness of our partner. As part of the package, we decide to sacrifice our wants for the greater good of our life together in hopes it will make things better. The unspoken truths sit there below the surface, creating distance between us.

Life itself brings disappointments we can’t always anticipate such as, a job loss, a death in the family, or a spouse’s transfer to another city can bring an unforeseeable impact. Additionally, our life experiences change us. Meaning that the person we began with has grown or changed and now seems as if not they are someone completely different. We are often surprised by what we learn about our beloved and may not know how to reconcile this new information with what we want in a partner.

Couples instinctively steer away from speaking truths because once they are out in the open we have no control over our partner’s reaction or the impact it will have on the relationship. The truth has a way of backfiring if we are not prepared to handle it.

This is why many couples are surprised when they come to counseling with a sincere desire for open communication and their relationships blow up. As long as everyone keeps to the surface, the hidden conflicts are avoided. But what happens when the wife says she doesn’t like how it is in bedroom these days or the husband shares that he didn’t sign up to take care of a serious illness and resents it? In telling the truth about our hurts and disappointments, we put everything at risk.

It’s important to understand that more open communication does not necessarily translate into an improved relationship. Unless you already have a solid foundation of trust and a history of successfully resolving conflict, it is wise to proceed with caution. If you step into a deeper more honest dialogue with your partner after years if it not being so, you risk unearthing an obstacle you cannot overcome. Sometimes deeper awareness means discovering that you will not be able to reconcile what you need with who you are married to. There is no way of knowing until you take this step.

This is why I caution couples to seek counseling early on, before their relationship shipwrecks on the shore. With the right knowledge and guidance, many of the pitfalls of facing hidden conflicts can be avoided. While it is possible that you may discover seemingly irreconcilable differences, there is also the possibility that you will discover your connection is strengthen and your passion is re-ignited which allows your relationship to grow rather than be destroyed.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor
 http://www.themindfuldater.com/

Assertiveness and Relationship Happiness

Knowing your boundaries and how to express them appropriately is one of the keys to relationship harmony. Saying “no” is important to making sure that your “yes” is genuine and grounded in reality. At some point, there is going to be a conflict and knowing how to work through it gracefully gives you the best chance at long term happiness.

You have to know yourself well enough to understand what you don’t want in a relationship. We often think we are being easy to get along with or loving when we “let it go.” Basically, we are pretending things are okay when they’re not and that is lying and emotionally withholding. Have you noticed how that eventually catches up to you, only now it is worse?

So, that is one the keys to relationship success; getting things clear first. Let’s say you detest being late and your date is always “running behind”. Withholding your frustrations sets up the relationship, especially for yourself, for unhappiness. It also doesn’t give the other person an opportunity to change their behavior. Eventually you are probably going to find reasons to leave or blow up over something trivial.

If you’re complaining instead of speaking up, it’s time to clear the air.

That kind of passive aggressive behavior happens when we let things build up and take things personally. It is important to remember that people don’t do things “to” you; they do what they do. It’s your responsibility to let them know what they are doing is not working for you.

On the other hand, if you clearly and appropriately set a boundary and nothing changes, that is information to take note of. It is possible your friend or partner may not be familiar with the idea of boundaries. Still, repeated offences indicate this person does not want to change or can’t change. After all, they get to decide their own priorities and this may be an area they don’t think is important. Now you have to make a decision about whether or not to continue participating in this relationship, whether it is a romance, a friendship or a business associate.

In terms of romance, if you have not identified your relationship deal breakers and are not clear about your boundaries, you could take a wrong turn at this juncture. This is the time to identify anything that will not work for you long term. Face the issue before you are committed for life. If you are already committed, then it is possible to work with an experienced marriage and relationship counselor to address areas of conflict and reestablish boundaries.

All the hard stuff aside, anyone can learn to be assertive. If it is typical behavior for you to avoid conflict it might feel rude or like you are making a big deal out of nothing. Try practicing setting small boundaries, like telling a friend or co-workers you don’t eat BBQ and want to go somewhere else for lunch. There is less at stake which equals less pressure on you. This is a great way to practice keeping centered in your own preferences and learn to negotiate socially with others.

Assertiveness means telling the truth about how you really feel and what you really want. It is also a two-way street, meaning that you get to learn how to hear feedback from others and decide which requests you can honor without compromising your values or self-worth.

The good news is that once you master setting boundaries, you are on your way to open and honest communication, one of the cornerstones to healthy relationships that last.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor
http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

Why Are Men So Stupid in Sitcoms?

Have you noticed that many of the roles men are playing in sitcoms make them look stupid by always kowtowing to a competent female lead? It’s like they’ve traded places with the women from the 50’s. Instead of grown women being portrayed like silly little girls batting their eyelashes at their big strong husbands, now the pendulum has swung to grown men acting like silly little boys who can’t think straight or stay out of trouble.

Wasn’t it easier when everyone knew their role and their place? Men knew they were supposed to be the strong ones who pursued women. Women knew to be attractive, quietly rule their domestic kingdom and never appear aggressive or overtly sexual. Men were to be all-knowing, unbreakable, the real thinkers and the doers with a strong arm around the “little woman” they were charged with taking care of, but not to show emotion or deep connection.

Today the boundaries of gender roles have relaxed and expanded. While women feel free to pursue and men are free to receive their attention, there is still a huge gray area of unidentified gender roles. Women compete in the workplace and are finding their inner strength and drive. Men are staying home to be dads, learning to value their softer side and sharing more of the financial burden. Still, we’re all a little confused about how we’re supposed to act in all these situations. Not like “them” but not sure who “us” is.

Dating is another area where gender role exploration is playing out. The rule book has been burned and it’s a new world out there. A man or a woman has equal say in initiating a date and paying for a date. People are free to make up the role and rules about what they want as they go along. Many people want the traditional approach yet many others want equal partnerships.

This shift in gender roles, or the lack thereof, creates an opportunity for all of us to become “choosers.” Instead of waiting to be chosen, sitting on the sidelines or passively letting others decide if we’re worthy, we have the freedom to bust the mold and take charge of our experiences.

First, if we want to be a “chooser” we must learn to adopt a mindset of abundance and empowered living. Choosers know what they want, what will not work for them in a relationship and believe there are plenty of viable partners available.

This mindset allows us to be confident and weed out dating candidates quickly. Because chooser are used to sorting through the crowd, they realize that rejection is not an indicator of self-worth. They understand that the other person is also a chooser and feels they are not a good match. Choosers accept rejection without taking it personally or allowing it to impact their self-esteem.

Choosers take risks and are initiators on their own behalf. They don’t wait to be found or for “destiny” to make things happen. They are creative, assertive and goal-oriented people who can roll with it. And choosers aren’t necessarily born choosers. Many, many people have started out playing a more passive role and then decided it wasn’t worth the pain. They decided to learn how to develop their self-esteem and to keep searching until they found a good match for them.

The Mindful Dater Program is here to help you become a chooser and get the love you’ve always dreamed of having. http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor