Long-Term Simmer or White Hot Sizzle?

Love versus Infatuation

You’ve been searching for love for months or perhaps years. You’ve tried online dating, blind dates, group activities, new “friends” and perhaps even endured a significant dry spell, and now it’s finally happened. You’ve found The One; that amazing individual who lights up your life, commandeers your thoughts and makes your limbs all quivery. Suddenly you don’t care if you ever eat or sleep again and the world is a brighter place to be.

In the back of your mind, there is this voice reminding you of all the things that went wrong in past relationships, to proceed with caution. Rationally, you know this phase can’t last forever but OMG does it feel incredible when you’re with him or her!  The drive to think objectively can be squashed down when we’re in the beginning stages of a crush or new relationship.

Becoming an Item

An important rite of passion for any couple is when you and your new love tell parents, family and friends about your relationship. If you’ve been saying those three special words and your relationships is still undercover, ask why.  What is making you or your new love reluctant to declare your relationship to the world? This is red flag could be indicating you’re not all that into them or they into you.

Pay close attention to your support system’s reaction when your beloved is introduced. Are friends sharing in your joy or making polite overtures you want to hear? If they express doubts about this new match, do you secretly fear they’re right?

Notice if you feel a “yes, but” inside when they say what a great guy or gal you’re with and inexplicably start pointing out his or her flaws. Is this someone you want to commit to forever or a white hot fling? How do you know?

The bio-chemicals released during courtship are quite intoxicating, making it difficult to think objectively about a relationship. Most of us would opt to stay in this state of heightened bliss rather than take a brutally honest look at the person we’re in bed with. Why? Well, it’s often because we’re tired of being alone. We want relief from the social pressure to be paired up and the loss of status when we’re not. If he or she is The One, then we would finally be free of this stigma. And, let’s face it, life paired and shared is easier than handling the ups and downs of life alone.

Still, do your best not to run from these important questions and instead aim to bravely face the hard truths. When you’re free from the dreamy haze of infatuation, it’s easy to see where things went wrong in past relationships. What we know now, and couldn’t see then, is that we failed to find lasting love because we weren’t honest enough and brave enough at this critical phase. Either we had unrealistic expectations about love or we were in denial about what was never going to work. Instead, we chose to “work on” the relationship instead of asking the hard questions and dealing with the answers.

This is the time to identify what is real and true about this person and your relationship.  It’s also the time we are most tempted to lie to ourselves for the sake of being part of a couple. Every relationship has its merits and we make commitments for multiple reasons. The real question is whether or not there is enough substance here to warrant a long-term, lasting commitment.

When we think of lasting love, many of us form an idyllic mental picture.  We think of constant sexual sizzle combined with a perfect meeting of minds and hearts. And this is exactly what trips us up. Fact is, real love, the kind that lasts, is always changing. It evolves in response to the changes life events create within us and between us.  It is infatuation that soars through blue skies and climbs every mountain to reach our hearts’ every desire.

True love grows from a genuine friendship and can burst into full bloom whether or not infatuation ever developed. Real love brings out the best in us and the best in our partner. Learning and growing together over months and years, we increasingly share more secrets and trust the other to navigate cooperatively through life challenges.

Conversely, a relationship that brings out the worst in one or both partners signals they are caught up in infatuation rather than in love. Instead of forging a stronger bond, infatuation incinerates the relationship with a fireball of anger and blame.  Falling from the heights of this intensity, our “love” lies shattered on the hard rocks of reality. Our head clears and we feel like we don’t love this person and/or they don’t love us. We feel no sense of loyalty or commitment towards them or coming from them. “Whatever” is a classic example of infatuation’s attitude when this harsh reality sets in. Now we’re wondering whatever made us fall for them. Or, even worse, we replay the good times over and over in our mind, trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Unfortunately, those good times were a romantic fantasy that wasn’t built to last.

So, which are you – in love or infatuated?  A few simple questions can help you know: are you genuinely happy on a daily basis? Do you feel loved and valued by your beloved? Do they inspire you to be a better person? Have they been open with their family and friends about their devotion to you? Do you feel good about your life and where it’s headed? Is your relationship the icing on the cake, meaning that your life was already great and now it’s just that much better?  Are the two of you making plans about the future? Do those plans work for both of you or is there an ongoing conflict about your next steps?

An important clue is whether or not you feel comfortable bringing this person into all areas of your life or if you tend to only let them share parts of it. An example would be when you always want to go out every weekend but don’t want your girl to watch you play baseball with the guys.  Notice whether you have the same interests or only have a mutual attraction in common. Beware of pretending to like an activity like watching sports or antique hunting because your partner does.

OR THIS ONE:

Are you comfortable with this person in all areas of your life or do they share only parts of it?  Do your dates and weekends revolve around the same activities and people? A good test is to mix it up and experience your relationship in different situations, with different groups of people. Try something new to both of you instead of curling up with a movie or hitting the bars (again). Take note of how you and your love respond. Does he or she like your friends? Do you like theirs?  Failure to blend now could mean an oil and water experience down the road.

Do you have shared core values? What about emotional intimacy? Are you free to be emotionally naked or are you still trying to look your best and keep your company manners on, even several months in?

Shared values are central to a good match. Initiate discussions that reveal how you and your partner each thinks about important topics like marriage, children, careers, spirituality and life purpose. Ask yourself if you feel free to be emotionally open and vulnerable or you are still rather formal – still trying to always look yours best, etc.

Do you avoid certain conversations with your beloved because you’re afraid of what their answers might mean for your relationship? If everything about them remained exactly as it is today, would you want to spend your life with this person? For real? Or do you see them as a diamond in the rough you can coach into being the kind of person you really want?

When love is the real thing, your thinking is based in reality. There is no fall to earth. You feel grounded; you clearly see who your beloved is and you like them that way. You feel  love, respect, and trust. You feel you can count on them and you can live indefinitely with the parts of them that are not a perfect fit. Your core values are in alignment with each other and conflicts are resolved quickly. You freely give more than you receive. Compromise doesn’t take away your freedom. You and your beloved operate together in a private life that is deeper than your public life.  And when the obstacles come, you are united from a mutual commitment to each others’ happiness.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor

Marriage Myth: Honest Communication Heals All

When couples come to see me, a significant number say they want “to communicate better.” When I discover there is no obvious issue with their communication, I know we are headed for troubled waters. Why? Because there is an underlying reason this couple has avoided going deeper in their dialogue with one another.

There are certain truths we manage every day by not talking about them.  We see our partners’ limitations and overlook them. We keep disappointments and certain hurts to ourselves to protect the continuity of the relationship and the happiness of our partner. As part of the package, we decide to sacrifice our wants for the greater good of our life together in hopes it will make things better. The unspoken truths sit there below the surface, creating distance between us.

Life itself brings disappointments we can’t always anticipate such as, a job loss, a death in the family, or a spouse’s transfer to another city can bring an unforeseeable impact. Additionally, our life experiences change us. Meaning that the person we began with has grown or changed and now seems as if not they are someone completely different. We are often surprised by what we learn about our beloved and may not know how to reconcile this new information with what we want in a partner.

Couples instinctively steer away from speaking truths because once they are out in the open we have no control over our partner’s reaction or the impact it will have on the relationship. The truth has a way of backfiring if we are not prepared to handle it.

This is why many couples are surprised when they come to counseling with a sincere desire for open communication and their relationships blow up. As long as everyone keeps to the surface, the hidden conflicts are avoided. But what happens when the wife says she doesn’t like how it is in bedroom these days or the husband shares that he didn’t sign up to take care of a serious illness and resents it? In telling the truth about our hurts and disappointments, we put everything at risk.

It’s important to understand that more open communication does not necessarily translate into an improved relationship. Unless you already have a solid foundation of trust and a history of successfully resolving conflict, it is wise to proceed with caution. If you step into a deeper more honest dialogue with your partner after years if it not being so, you risk unearthing an obstacle you cannot overcome. Sometimes deeper awareness means discovering that you will not be able to reconcile what you need with who you are married to. There is no way of knowing until you take this step.

This is why I caution couples to seek counseling early on, before their relationship shipwrecks on the shore. With the right knowledge and guidance, many of the pitfalls of facing hidden conflicts can be avoided. While it is possible that you may discover seemingly irreconcilable differences, there is also the possibility that you will discover your connection is strengthen and your passion is re-ignited which allows your relationship to grow rather than be destroyed.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor
 http://www.themindfuldater.com/

Love and the Law of Attraction

Most single people can’t wait to stop being single! Newly out of a relationship or a long-time single and longing for “the one.” The prominent issue is that too many single people have not cleaned up their past. This means they are prone to creating exactly the kind of relationship they have already experienced.

Based upon the principles of the Law of Attraction, you will attract what you already are. This means the key to having what you want in a mate is to become the person you want to attract. Many single people don’t realize this and it is something the questionnaires and wish lists can’t help you with because they are about the other person, not you. Singles can be so eager to find their next love that they miss the opportunity to truly choose something new for their life.

Here is something to consider: Are you emotionally available? Have you made a conscious, dedicated effort to sorting through your past relationships to determine what worked and where things went wrong? Have you taken a strong stand in your own accountability for what you experienced or are you still playing the victim? If not, you are likely to pull into your life what you had before and wonder why you can’t find this amazing person of your dreams.

If you want to be in a relationship with a successful professional, you need to become that confident, positive, successful person yourself. Be aware… there is no faking it by putting together a good package, an ideal version of yourself for others to see. If you are outwardly successful and inwardly insecure, you are going to attract what is on the inside; someone who is insecure inside and pretending to be confident. So, when the two of you get together, you can expect a bumpy ride and a lot of drama!

Your best bet? For the moment, stay single on purpose. Consciously decide to work on yourself and clear up the wreckage of your past. Make up your mind to not give up on the ideal person for you and get busy living a fulfilled life as a single person instead of waiting until you find your soul mate before living your life. Chances are that when you are happy, fulfilled and have an interesting life of your own that you love, you are going to attract your ideal mate when you least expect it

.

This is your moment, filled with such potential. Begin to build your ideal life now for yourself, with no pressure to fit into anyone else’s lifestyle or demands, and set yourself up to attract the soul mate of your dreams! Use the “magic” of the Law of Attraction to consciously draw towards you the right person at the right time. And in the meantime, instead of rushing to find the last love of your life, enjoy your life as it is now, no resistance. Live in the now, cherish your friends, family, co-workers and especially yourself. Very soon, you will be surprised when true love knocks on your door.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor

http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

The Big Freeze

Have you ever been so angry with someone that you couldn’t speak to them? Maybe you didn’t get your way in a certain situation. Perhaps someone has treated you that way in the past? We “freeze out” people who displease us in several obvious ways. We ignore their pings, tweets, texts, emails and multiple calls. We stonewall them when they are standing right in front of us trying to have a conversation or sit next to them in stony silence refusing to talk. And we all know couples who make a great show of affection in public and wage a wordless war behind closed doors.

It is quite possible the silent treatment will work in the short term. We are gregarious creatures who possess an actual physical need for attention and connection with others. So, when you angrily decide to “teach someone a lesson” by withdrawing your love, they will be quite vigorous in their attempts to regain your affection. Children will scramble to figure out what they did to make Mom so angry and desperately try to get back in her good graces. Spouses and partners will try to talk it out, bring gifts, and do anything to placate you. Why?  Because it really hurts when someone you love shuts you out and acts like you don’t exist.  Unfortunately, that is exactly why we do it; to gain power over someone we believe has wronged us. But here’s an important question; does it improve your relationship or damage it further?

You may not realize that the “silent treatment” is a form of abusive bullying. And it’s cruel. It is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that is just as harmful as striking out physically. It is a mystery why so many people abhor violence yet think nothing of emotionally shutting out coworkers, friends and family. They “punish” a boyfriend, sibling or wife for not “caring” about them while breaking their loved ones’ hearts through rejection.

When people shut us out, we learn to shut down instead of deepening our dialogue. We learn not to care, not to consider another point of view and learn something about ourselves.  If we wonder where today’s apathy comes from, we can point in part to our denial of others’ feelings and a refusal to admit our responsibility for the impact of our actions on their psyches.

While freezing out your partner can create a temporary change in their behavior, it also erodes their love for you. Relationships are about connection and open communication. Instead of changing behavior for the better, the silent treatment teaches people in our lives that we don’t really love them. It makes all of us become emptier inside. Then alienation, superficial commitment, and empty promises become the shaky foundation of our relationships. And we wonder why they fall apart.

So, the next time you are tempted to use shut down or shut someone out, consider the very real damage it does to them and your relationship with them.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor
http://www.themindfuldater.com/ 

Assertiveness and Relationship Happiness

Knowing your boundaries and how to express them appropriately is one of the keys to relationship harmony. Saying “no” is important to making sure that your “yes” is genuine and grounded in reality. At some point, there is going to be a conflict and knowing how to work through it gracefully gives you the best chance at long term happiness.

You have to know yourself well enough to understand what you don’t want in a relationship. We often think we are being easy to get along with or loving when we “let it go.” Basically, we are pretending things are okay when they’re not and that is lying and emotionally withholding. Have you noticed how that eventually catches up to you, only now it is worse?

So, that is one the keys to relationship success; getting things clear first. Let’s say you detest being late and your date is always “running behind”. Withholding your frustrations sets up the relationship, especially for yourself, for unhappiness. It also doesn’t give the other person an opportunity to change their behavior. Eventually you are probably going to find reasons to leave or blow up over something trivial.

If you’re complaining instead of speaking up, it’s time to clear the air.

That kind of passive aggressive behavior happens when we let things build up and take things personally. It is important to remember that people don’t do things “to” you; they do what they do. It’s your responsibility to let them know what they are doing is not working for you.

On the other hand, if you clearly and appropriately set a boundary and nothing changes, that is information to take note of. It is possible your friend or partner may not be familiar with the idea of boundaries. Still, repeated offences indicate this person does not want to change or can’t change. After all, they get to decide their own priorities and this may be an area they don’t think is important. Now you have to make a decision about whether or not to continue participating in this relationship, whether it is a romance, a friendship or a business associate.

In terms of romance, if you have not identified your relationship deal breakers and are not clear about your boundaries, you could take a wrong turn at this juncture. This is the time to identify anything that will not work for you long term. Face the issue before you are committed for life. If you are already committed, then it is possible to work with an experienced marriage and relationship counselor to address areas of conflict and reestablish boundaries.

All the hard stuff aside, anyone can learn to be assertive. If it is typical behavior for you to avoid conflict it might feel rude or like you are making a big deal out of nothing. Try practicing setting small boundaries, like telling a friend or co-workers you don’t eat BBQ and want to go somewhere else for lunch. There is less at stake which equals less pressure on you. This is a great way to practice keeping centered in your own preferences and learn to negotiate socially with others.

Assertiveness means telling the truth about how you really feel and what you really want. It is also a two-way street, meaning that you get to learn how to hear feedback from others and decide which requests you can honor without compromising your values or self-worth.

The good news is that once you master setting boundaries, you are on your way to open and honest communication, one of the cornerstones to healthy relationships that last.

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor
http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

Why Are Men So Stupid in Sitcoms?

Have you noticed that many of the roles men are playing in sitcoms make them look stupid by always kowtowing to a competent female lead? It’s like they’ve traded places with the women from the 50’s. Instead of grown women being portrayed like silly little girls batting their eyelashes at their big strong husbands, now the pendulum has swung to grown men acting like silly little boys who can’t think straight or stay out of trouble.

Wasn’t it easier when everyone knew their role and their place? Men knew they were supposed to be the strong ones who pursued women. Women knew to be attractive, quietly rule their domestic kingdom and never appear aggressive or overtly sexual. Men were to be all-knowing, unbreakable, the real thinkers and the doers with a strong arm around the “little woman” they were charged with taking care of, but not to show emotion or deep connection.

Today the boundaries of gender roles have relaxed and expanded. While women feel free to pursue and men are free to receive their attention, there is still a huge gray area of unidentified gender roles. Women compete in the workplace and are finding their inner strength and drive. Men are staying home to be dads, learning to value their softer side and sharing more of the financial burden. Still, we’re all a little confused about how we’re supposed to act in all these situations. Not like “them” but not sure who “us” is.

Dating is another area where gender role exploration is playing out. The rule book has been burned and it’s a new world out there. A man or a woman has equal say in initiating a date and paying for a date. People are free to make up the role and rules about what they want as they go along. Many people want the traditional approach yet many others want equal partnerships.

This shift in gender roles, or the lack thereof, creates an opportunity for all of us to become “choosers.” Instead of waiting to be chosen, sitting on the sidelines or passively letting others decide if we’re worthy, we have the freedom to bust the mold and take charge of our experiences.

First, if we want to be a “chooser” we must learn to adopt a mindset of abundance and empowered living. Choosers know what they want, what will not work for them in a relationship and believe there are plenty of viable partners available.

This mindset allows us to be confident and weed out dating candidates quickly. Because chooser are used to sorting through the crowd, they realize that rejection is not an indicator of self-worth. They understand that the other person is also a chooser and feels they are not a good match. Choosers accept rejection without taking it personally or allowing it to impact their self-esteem.

Choosers take risks and are initiators on their own behalf. They don’t wait to be found or for “destiny” to make things happen. They are creative, assertive and goal-oriented people who can roll with it. And choosers aren’t necessarily born choosers. Many, many people have started out playing a more passive role and then decided it wasn’t worth the pain. They decided to learn how to develop their self-esteem and to keep searching until they found a good match for them.

The Mindful Dater Program is here to help you become a chooser and get the love you’ve always dreamed of having. http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed Relationship Counselor

4 Reasons Why Your Not Finding "The One"

When your sweetie says she loves you, do believe her? When he says he’ll never leave, do you secretly wonder? Now that you’ve been together for a bit and have begun to settle in, does it seem like your lover is losing interest?

Are you hanging on every word, analyzing every facial expression? Wondering where they’re really going? Are you falling into a routine relationship or are the two of you just becoming comfortable? Do they really want you or are they just avoiding having to start over? How do you know if this is true or if it’s you?

Okay. It’s time for a reality check. The hard truth is that no one can prove they love you. No matter how often they say it, no matter how glamorous the ring, how fancy the dinners or fabulous the vacations, no one can PROVE it to you. You could be doing the wild thing six times a day and still not know if they really love you – unless you love yourself.

If you love yourself, you will believe that other people can love you. It’s that simple. And you will be able to recognize when someone else doesn’t love and appreciate you. You won’t have to demand respect or consideration because you will be radiating it in your being.

Signs You’re Not In Love With You

Always pushing for security and reassurance
If you are always pushing for the next step like
moving in, marriage or buying a home, you’re probably looking for reassurance that you’re loved. Trying too hard to please your beloved and taking on all the responsibility for the happiness in the relationship are signs you don’t love yourself. Relationships should progress naturally to the next level without either party making demands. Happiness between couples should be “evenly yoked,” not reliant upon everything you – or your partner – do.

I Can’t Find Anyone Good
Are you always searching and never finding anyone who is “right”? High standards are good but lofty romantic ideals can sabotage your chances of actually finding a suitable mate. And, if you do become involved, you will likely become unhappy and quickly find something wrong with your current love or spouse.

I’m Too Busy for Love
Filling every second of your days and nights with work, vacation or hobbies is a sure way to avoid feelings that come from a lack of self-love. See how great I am? I’m busy with this project and my charity work and the gym and this weekend we’re going here and next weekend we’re going there. Learning to be alone and enjoy your own company is a great foundation for finding your right mate.

Always into the next “thing” that will “heal” you
Self-improvement is a noble and worthy endeavor. If you are never satisfied, however, it might be time to slow down and reflect on your life. Do you ever have “enough”? Do you buy a new car as soon as you pay off the old one? Are you constantly shopping for clothes and the latest gadgets? Are you always on a new fad diet? Are you constantly in some new phase that is going to make your life everything it is supposed to be? Ultimately, there should be days of feeling completely satisfied with whom you are and where your life is, with or without a mate. If you don’t have that now, you are unlikely to be happy with anyone else for long.

In conclusion, it’s important to realize that self-love is the foundation of your ideal relationship. When you love yourself, you can give love to others without keeping track of what they’re doing for you. And you will naturally recognize when someone truly does not appreciate you and isn’t right for you.

Allow me to be of assistance in helping you find the love for YOURSELF! For more information about my fun and dynamic singles program visit http://www.themindfuldater.com/mindful-dating-program/

LaDonna S. Kumar
Licensed relationship Counselor